Last week Mr. Johnathan Stealwit saw his life destroyed by a large piece of fig and walnut gorgonzola. He had been walking home from the office on Tuesday evening, at 10:20pm last Wednesday when disaster struck in the form of falling cheese. Stealwit, 32, oblivious to the impending doom, didn't realise anything was wrong until he'd been hit on the head by the three tonne piece of cheese. DI Double Gloucester, the officer in charge of the investigation into the incident said to a packed and slightly delirious press conference, "The Doctors say it's unbelievable that he survived, the cheese, a three tonne piece of Gorgonzola, was being imported into the country from Italy." He continued to say "The Police forensic group say that the impact of the three tonne cheese would have been the equivalent of 75 tonnes. This obviously means he is so very lucky to still be alive."

Mr. Simon Bosworth 32, of Cheese Farm, Cramlington in Northumberland is today thanking God for the large piece of Gouda, that yesterday heroically saved him from drowning. At about 6:30am yesterday morning, Mr Bosworth set about his daily duties on his self run cheese farm. At about midday he sat down next to a stream on his farm to eat his lunch, a large piece of Gouda, and take in the beautiful Northumbrian countryside.

It began with Giant Simians in Somerset, it continued with sights of sixty three foot dolphins in a Derby based Woolworth's store. And then reports yesterday of giant amphibians on the plains of the Savannah.

Today the biggest yet!!! Birds, or should I say one bird, a towering sight, an almost frightening sight... A Puffin the height of a house. The Puffin, estimated at 12ft is captured in the garden of a South Glamorgan home. Puffins, a very attractive coast claiming bird, are so as British as Tea on the lawn and cricket in the afternoons. But never Puffins on this scale.

Brian Derby shatters world record as he storms to title in Oslo.

Astonishing Brian Derby stamped his name on the world of cheese lifting in what must rank as the most spectacular sporting achievement of all time. The Cheese Lifting Championships were held last week in Oslo, Norway, and with a captivated British audience of 65 million people back home in witness tuned to the BBC, cheese maker Brian "No mates" Derby won gold and set a monster new world record of over nine days solid cheese lifting!

THE SECRET OF THE ‘BUSBY GOD!

We were told that it went something like this...

A rogue shot from a football boot fired by an angered, red faced, and no doubt chewing Sir Alex Ferguson ricochets off a dressing room wall and into the face of the male-model star player David Beckham, almost blinding him, his wife Posh and their two kids for life!

NAUGHTY PAUL CONS JUDGE INTO GIVING HIM 7398TH CHANCE, THEN STEALS HIS WIG!

Self confessed, prolific thief Paul Fromagerie stood once again before open court accused this time of stealing £400s worth of Israeli olive koshered cheese from a Specialist Cheese monger in Romford, Essex. As usual he pleaded not guilty to the charges, once again he was found guilty of the charges and, you’ve guessed it, for the 7398th time he escaped justice after impressing the judge with another one of his now legendary glib speeches.

STAR ROBBIE COLTRANE QUIZZED AT GUANTANAMO BAY CAMP IN CUBA!

Severe doubts ricocheted round the world last night over the mental health and actions of American President Georgey W Bush after he accused the fictional school of Wizardry Hogwarts of being part of Bin Laden’s ‘axis of evil.’ In a quite frankly shocking press conference the president said, "Hogwarts black magic and evil must be defeated." The school made famous in the spellbinding Harry Potter books by top British author J K Rowling, does not exist in reality.