There have been many so called ‘turning points’ in the tragic comic middle east bloodshed, many a reason given in the past for optimism, but the Arab/Israeli conflict always seems fated to end in total annihilation for all involved. However yesterday things did appear to be, and start to look, much, much better for the region. Both Prime Ministers signed a historic peace agreement. Hostilities would still continue, but from this day forth both sides will only used cheese-based weapons, which are non-lethal. Instead of blowing each other to smithereens, as per usual, they will now merely chuck cheeses at one another.

The Cheese Times has received secret documents leaked to us by our sneaky little mole in the White House. They show that global warming is indeed a human made phenomenon, but not the side effect of the industrial revolution, more a well thought out pre planned manoeuvre by the US government.

NASA’s plan to conquer the planet Venus using an ant has failed miserably, as predicted by everyone on earth except for NASA employees, relatives and friends.  NASA sent a lone ant on a probe that landed on Venus last Tuesday. Their hopes and the mission failed as the ant died in less than a second.

Grinning PM, Tony Blair, was reduced to tears and pitiful sobbing yesterday after seeing the first car that he ever owned drive past him unannounced. The premier had buggered off from his desk at no.10 after becoming bored and distracted by the tedium of running the country. He made his way to the nearest McDonalds and grabbed a chicken Mcnugget happy meal for lunch, with which he got a free ‘Incredible’s’ figurine.

Prime Minister Tony Blair yesterday proudly opened a new prison designed specifically to house the growing number of criminal priests in the UK jail system. The premier heralded it as “A fucking great, holy rehabilitation centre.” Adding “These are still men of the cloth, and given the right environment I truly believe these ‘dog collars’ will come good again. The growing menace of priest related crime, across all denominations of faith, is a sad reflection on the wider problems society faces this new millennium.”

What are the chances that another Paris Hilton sex tape and another Osama Bin Laden tape surface? Pretty high right? What are the chances they surface together? I guess reasonably high right? How about the chances of them surfacing in the all together together? What??? Yep, The Cheese Times exclusively reveals the new Paris Hilton and Osama Bin Laden sex tape. It will blow your mind!

Robert Kilroy Silk-Cut, celebrity racist and maker of the famous cigarettes, recently launched his own new UK political party. The perma-tanned Ex UK Independence Party member is ‘almighty leader’ in the new party ‘Veritas’. Veritas, the Latin word for ‘bitter racist scare-mongering’ was launched with much posturing from the ex BBCTV agony Aunt as he proceeded to do a variety of every more strenuous muscle-man poses for the gathered and weeping press.