Brian Derby shatters world record as he storms to title in Oslo.

Astonishing Brian Derby stamped his name on the world of cheese lifting in what must rank as the most spectacular sporting achievement of all time. The Cheese Lifting Championships were held last week in Oslo, Norway, and with a captivated British audience of 65 million people back home in witness tuned to the BBC, cheese maker Brian "No mates" Derby won gold and set a monster new world record of over nine days solid cheese lifting!

THE SECRET OF THE ‘BUSBY GOD!

We were told that it went something like this...

A rogue shot from a football boot fired by an angered, red faced, and no doubt chewing Sir Alex Ferguson ricochets off a dressing room wall and into the face of the male-model star player David Beckham, almost blinding him, his wife Posh and their two kids for life!

NAUGHTY PAUL CONS JUDGE INTO GIVING HIM 7398TH CHANCE, THEN STEALS HIS WIG!

Self confessed, prolific thief Paul Fromagerie stood once again before open court accused this time of stealing £400s worth of Israeli olive koshered cheese from a Specialist Cheese monger in Romford, Essex. As usual he pleaded not guilty to the charges, once again he was found guilty of the charges and, you’ve guessed it, for the 7398th time he escaped justice after impressing the judge with another one of his now legendary glib speeches.

STAR ROBBIE COLTRANE QUIZZED AT GUANTANAMO BAY CAMP IN CUBA!

Severe doubts ricocheted round the world last night over the mental health and actions of American President Georgey W Bush after he accused the fictional school of Wizardry Hogwarts of being part of Bin Laden’s ‘axis of evil.’ In a quite frankly shocking press conference the president said, "Hogwarts black magic and evil must be defeated." The school made famous in the spellbinding Harry Potter books by top British author J K Rowling, does not exist in reality.

Bush Claims Iraq will use cheese as weapons of mass destruction and tells his poodle Tony to say the same!

Yesterday the United Nations announced a very bizarre find from their latest weapons inspections in Iraq. Hundreds of thousnads of Tonnes of Cheese from around the world, have been found in warehouses and factories in Baghdad, Karbala and An Najaf. The "Giant Pantries of Cheese" as a U.N. Spokesman put it, were well hidden away but the U.N. are keen to point out that there is no evidence of tampering or intent to use the cheese negatively as a force of evil. Major questions, however, are being asked as to what Saddam is doing with "copious amounts of cheeses from around the world?"

BUSH’S NEMESIS MAY BE HIDING WITH GOATS CHEESE RATIONS IN UK! EXCLUSIVE!

The cheese-times have uncovered unnerving evidence of the presence of yet more terrorists in the UK. Even more alarming than that is the appearance of the most bizarre piece of evidence yet to come to light. MP’s have been given clear instructions, from the very highest level, not to discuss this incident and evidence at all and to "deny, deny, deny it." Luckily we at the cheese-times have our secret sources and it’s amazing how people will spill the beans when offered substantial quantities of cheese.

Liverpool, under the inspired leadership of Gerald Houlier are currently making a late dash up the table, now in second and battling for one of the Champions League places. Their campaign has been helped by the inevitable capture of Liverpool supporter, and ex Leicester City star striker Heskey. Heskey now establishing himself as a key member of the international scene made his big money move, in a deal that eventually cost Liverpool over £14m including wage fees.