Development of Pseudocheese product, a new dairy-free, fat-free cheese has been halted after 6 volunteers fell dangerously ill during clinical trials. The Pseudocheese product was being tested at their in house labs in Hamwich. The failed trail is another setback in the quest to develop a cheese tolerated by every form of allergy.
The 6 subjects, all healthy cheese-o-philes, were treated at Pseudocheese with the company cheeseboard but were later transferred to Tesco Royal Infirmary where there condition was described as ‘clinging on to death’. Their families were informed by semaphore from on top of a nearby hill.
The volunteers were administered the 'experi-emmental' cheese on medi-crackers at 10 minute intervals. Six were given the proto-fromage and two were given a placebo. All 8 were then exposed to a selection of formal guests as well as a range of wines and nibbles to monitor the effects.
Approximately 10 minutes after the final subject was administered, the first subject became unable to chat politely. Soon after another was found to be rude and ill-informed about the proposed route of a new bypass around Hamwich, and within 30 minutes, all 6 subjects had difficulty matching correct wines to simple canapés and were bleeding from their shoes.
The trial was finally halted when one of the subjects demanded they open a bottle of '61 Chateau Smith Haut-Lafitte to have with almond biscuits.
"Damage to the immune system and total organ failure is an acceptable side effect. But serving a heavy red wine with a sweet dessert brioche would be considered unacceptable to the public. The cheese clearly buttered their brains." Said Dr. Rick Otter, Product Testing Supervisor at Pseudocheese.
The potential revenue from the cheeseless-cheese market has attracted massive investment from dairyceutical companies but no edible product has been manufactured yet.
Soy cheese has been produced for the past 20 years but is universally hated and still banned in France.
Pseudocheese are leaders in the industry - analysts place them whey ahead of rivals. Having invested millions developing a product, they were hoping the new cheese would prove popular.
Their nearest rivals are TotalCheeseSolutions, however their cyber-cheese lacks both flavour and mass and cannot be contained by water biscuits. It is capable of diffusing up to 2,000km into the Earth's mantle.
It was banned by the Food Standards Agency as it was in breach of the laws of physics. MC Cheshire and Dairylea Penrose Triangles also fell foul of this regulation.
Cheese Times spoke to an anonymous whistle-blower from Pseudocheese:
"This is cheesiness gone mad! They're trying to create a market that doesn't exist! Lactose intolerance it simply a process within natural selection! Darwin himself observed how people who claim to get 'gassy and bloated' from eating cheese invariable get excluded from society and are too fussy to form close friendships and so die out. ...It is a worrying indictment on modern life that we selectively protect unwanted genes. In producing a quasi-cheese palatable to weak, inferior people, we are allowing them to breed and pass their cheese-fussy genes to future innocent generations..." he waffled.
At least he can take his cheese though.
