Police have discovered something and they won't tell anybody what it is. UK Cheese Times reporter Dave Cheddar has had to rely on reports sent from civil servants and members of the public to shed light on unprecedented events occurring in Sodding Chipbury, in Double-Gloucestershire. In the UK.

Details are vague; however Cheese Times understands that at approximately 7.30pm yesterday evening Police were called to the Nick Faldo Industrial Estate in Sodding Chipbury following reports of an old bastard. Local man Milton Sexual-Chemistry, 40, was in the area tree-gazing:

“I was counting the twigs on a larch when I noticed four Constables advancing along the ground in classic Evening-All formation. They were poking around a few units when something in one of the warehouses set them off. It was weird. Whatever it was frightened and delighted them in equal measures.”

“Within 25 minutes another fifty or so policing people arrived and secured a perimeter about two hundred meters out. I was ordered to put myself in an envelope and post myself ‘the fuck out of here.’”

Another local, Maureen Soupandasandwich, 73, 36-28-36,commented “They asked me to blow into a plastic tube then they hit me over the head with an Alsatian. When I woke up I was cocooned in ‘police line: do not cross’ tape and everything I said had been taken down and used in evidence against me.” She also reports seeing gangs of security guards hanging round in lumpy groups trying to convince police of their law-enforcement credentials. Since Mrs Soupandsandwich spoke with the Cheese Times she has been removed from her village of Wapley and charged with being in possession of a house with intent to dwell.

No police spokesman is available to comment on the operation and all senior police officers are now believed to be on the scene. It is not known whether any reports have been passed to their political supervisors, but, again, it is believed not.

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