Randolph Hardcheese Investigates the latest scientific theory that's causing outrage within the scientific community.
Top astrological boffin Professor Schabzieger of the University of Zurich claims the big bang theorists will be literally blown away when he releases his latest book "Intelligent Control - How our universe is manipulated by pulleys and ropes" - in his book, Schabzieger claims that the universe is all being manipulated by "person x" using rudimentary apparatus such as ropes, pulleys and levers.
The theory is bound to cause an outcry by scientific traditionalists. The debate on exactly how the world and the universe around it was created has been raging ever since the first caveman looked up at the stars. In recent years it's become even more heated, with some United States school districts choosing to teach Intelligent Design instead of the universally accepted theory of evolution. Scientific Traditionalists, tired of defending the theory of evolution, now they have this to deal with. Dr. Francois Ambert a leading French Astrological Physicist from the Université de Provence, Marseilles, France put it simply "an another lunatic trying to undo the great work of so many scientists and astronomers through the ages. Ropes? pulleys? Has this man been tested for narcotics?"
Schabzieger is claiming he can prove his theories, and that he'll be tested for narcotics if the scientific community believe it necessary. However, we'll have to wait until the release of the book before he is willing to defend or even discuss his theories in detail. He did however give The Cheese Times an exclusive summary of how it all works.
Stars, planets, and their natural satellites are all controlled by a series of very large and incredibly strong rope, (painted black so it's undetectable to planet natives) these are manipulated by a number of galactic proportioned pulleys and levers. "It's very rudimentary" states Schabzieger "but for the time when it was created millions of years ago, it was state of the art and beyond"
Is this a theory too far? Water on mars, a twin earth planet in a neighbouring solar system, Pluto no longer a planet? What do the ever changing theories really mean?
Not too long ago, the world was flat, and the sun and stars rotated around us. In changing times with differing theories who knows which is right. Are we all just atoms and electronic impulses playing out a global multi-millennia length version of "Survivor?"
Is there an all governing power controlling the universe, is the universe finite or infinite, and as David St. Hubbins once famously put it, "...if the universe is indeed infinite, then how — what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it?..."
Now we're asking ourselves, are we all floating in space being manipulated by ropes and pulleys? And if so, exactly who is in control of such a contraption and for what ends. The debate will inevitably continue for a few millennia more yet.
