The Cheese Times brings you another exclusive from the world of science. New discoveries set to revolutionise continental geography claim the world's landmasses not only shift but speak to each other. Our newly appointed chief science correspondent, Millie Caephilly, reports.

A new scientific paper reveals evidence of landscape movement in Britain on a huge scale. A team of geologists from the University of Red Leicester show how the UK has been shaped by forces other than air, water, fire and magnetism (robots).

The team, lead by Professor Hector Vector, prove that currently, and for at least the last 75,000 years, the lizard peninsula on the south western tip of Cornwall has been advancing and receding into the English Channel.

“Stresses in the rock strata around Cornwall clearly show this jaw-esque peninsular periodically flaps.” He said pointing at his chin.

Cornwall's Lizard Peninsula speaks, each jaw motion takes approximately 4000 years.

The paper, which is also ‘Letter of the Day’ in today’s Daily Mail newspaper, shows this flappy Cornwall data fits precisely with the team’s 'talking-island' hypothesis.

“Along side the landwaggle-measurements we have used beach-shifting data to form a Sandy Lips model to decode some of the words.” He said, still pointing at his chin.

Dr Sandy Lips explains how he came up with the idea:

“I was freebasing crack cocaine with a prostitute when I thought about my name. I told Professor Vector with my mouth.” He said, also pointing at his chin.

And the last few words uttered by Britain, over a 75,000 years period, are believed to have been:

“Up a bit. Up a bit more. Down a bit. Up a bit more. Down. Down. Down a bit more.”

Possibly said with a sulky tone. Although scientists admit this theory might be down to an unfortunate cloud formation giving the south west of England ‘a face like a bucket of shit.'

Dr. Proctor was quick to dismiss suggestions of a meaningful dialogue taking place with Britain.

“Yes. A meaningful dialogue could take place. Between scientists and on the subject of whether a meaningful dialogue could take place with Britain. And I am pleased to announce that discussion has been completed and the result of that dialogue was very meaningf – “ he died.

Amongst the first to endorse the team’s results was, surprisingly, the Catholic Church in Rome. The Holy See are keen to be seen embracing change and the modern world. Especially following the embarrassment caused by The Church’s failure to endorse the ‘Gospel of Dan Brown’ uncovered recently.

“Talking islands and continents? Sure, why not. But Jesus definitely didn’t have kids. It’s ridiculous. I mean have you tried reading ‘Deception Point?’” Said Pope DirkBenedict the Face.

The results are a stunning leap forward for British science. However overseas, work in similar fields have yielded even more spectacular results. A team of Mexican geologists, for example, also announced recently that the Gulf of Mexico has been shouting for help for at least 35 Million years.

But the most stunning results are coming from a joint African/South American project currently decoding an epic poem being sang by Africa to South America. The two continents were split apart 450 million years ago by the cruel forces of plate tectonics.

Sophisticated computer software suggest the 143 stanzas deciphered so far are sung in a plaintiff baritone and tell of a love that will burn forever. Dr Diego Okoronkwo of the team:

“We were emotionally devastated by the flawless Iambic Pentameter displayed in this tragically poignant ode.” He wept.

“Continents are pretty smart and they mate for life. Like swans only less swan-like. Islands tend to be more retarded due to being lambasted by fish and delinquent waves.”

I asked Dr. Okoronkwo whether continents and islands have any concept of culture or civilization.

“No, but for 100,000 years the Iberian peninsular sported a moustache that stretched from El-Jazair in Tunisia over 1,000 miles into the Atlantic Ocean.”

Some Statesmen are clearly uncomfortable with the possible consequences of these findings. This is certainly true in Italy where scientists, after years of painstaking work, have been unable to publish their results due to the extremely blue nature of it. They have, however, revealed that if even half of what they've decoded is true then Italy completely deserves to kick Sicily into the Mediterranean Sea.

Australia says, “Who says I'm not an Island?”

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