Newcastle United

Newcastle boffins could be using Alan Shearer DNA to feed the current squad with enriched grub.  The hope is that his world class will be transmitted to the team’s human brains - thus glory.  Chicken and beans are the favourite meal of the Geordies, and it’s feared that this particular dish has been tainted with Alan Shearer DNA.  Already players are complaining of receding locks, a penchant for chip shop brawling and Bernard Matthew’s Turkey Drummers.  Sam Alardyce has also noted, that although the players prowess in front of goal has blossomed, defending has been poor during the pre-season.
Another side affect appears to be an odd indisposition. The whole squad is currently struck down with a virus that makes them say ‘Clive’ all the time.  Prompting Clive James and Clive Anderson to turn up looking to attention seek.  

Wigan

Wigan, one of the teams set to struggle this new season have taken drastic dietary movements to try and stay in the top flight.  They have adopted a 100% meat pie diet.  Although by European standards a 100% meat pie diet, actually only means approximately 4.2% of their diet is actual meat. This hasn’t seem to affect their training programs. The chronic rectal passing of wind has produced a high methane content. In fact lots of it, and it’s highly toxic and flammable.  The Wigan players train in special tents that are pumped full of methane, and they have built up a tolerance to it.  It’s all part of Chris Hutchins new scientific philosophy. He is reported as stating “our tolerance to methane and noxious gasses gives us an advantage on the field of play”  That is when they let their asses release their “tactical advantage” – an approach that is persuaded by contractual bonus for anal gas emissions.

Sunderland

Newly promoted Sunderland are causing a wave of anticipation.  The high profile chairman and manager combo of Niall Quinn and Roy Keane has strong ties within the higher echelons of football, and of course appear prominently in recent Irish history. They were both, albeit sometimes at loggerheads, members of the Jack Charlton Ireland Football Squad that brought so much success to such a small emerald isle.  Roy Keane has apparently been using this Charltonian magic to their advantage, Dwight Yorke, former team mate of Keane during Manchester United’s Treble winning days stated that during the climatic promotion push last season Roy Keane had begun many Celtic pagan pre-match rituals. These generally always involved some kind of Irish set dancing to the 1990 Irish world cup tune ‘Put ‘em under pressure’ featuring Jackie Charlton.  It is also implied by a former player who left the squad shortly after the arrival of Keane that the new management were “using Pixie dust” – the magical powder was “sprinkled in the boots of all the players before kick off and topped up at half time” – a foreign powder-like substance was discovered by the FA during a their Championship winning campaign.  It has been given to FIFA for analysis yet no results have been reported. Authorities also believe that leprechauns are being held captive by Sunderland FC in a witch crafty scandal!!! A recent search by Tyne and Wear Police under warrant failed to produce any little people of Irish folklore, although a small red hat with a buckle before it’s rim was discovered.  Sunderland AFC has refused to comment on the Leprechaun investigation although admits the team has listened to “put ‘em under pressure” – every team has an anthem, Roy decided this should be ours.  It will be interesting to see if Sunderland can put the rest of the Premier League under pressure this season.



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