Arsenal

Arsene Wenger has not been happy at Arsenal for a couple of seasons now.  Having built up an inpressive young side for the future, his team has finished 4th 2 times in a row.  He knows that this new season provides a new greater challenge.  4th place 3 times in a row won’t cut the mustard and he must improve his side’s premiership status.  He appears to be hoping that the 1000 images of film star Johnny Depp, he has posted around the Emirates stadium will be the winning ticket.  Depp is Arsene’s favourite actor and the fact that the star of the silver screen happens to live in Arsenes’s native France, with the foxy Vanessa Paradis, sealed the deal.  His players are instructed to feel the Depp vibes of cool, calm and collectiveness thus leading to football success.  Will it succeed?  We reckon yes.  We love Johnny Depp!

Chelsea

Roman Abramovich was unhappy with his sides loss of the Premiership title.  After all with the amount of millions he has at his disposal, European and Domestic success should be a foregone conclusion.

However last season, a four pronged attack on the FA, League and European Cup along with the Premier League title ended with just two trophies, the two least valuable of the four.

Abramovich took matters into his own hands, he paid for the top dieticians to come up with something to give the London club an edge. The answer: a strict diet of Whale meat, with extra chives.  This, our expert on Chives –Charlie Chives tells us, ‘Will win it for them definitely. Bet your house on it, I know my chives!  Chives rule!!!’  No one from Chelsea was available for comment last Tuesday.

Liverpool

It’s been a busy summer for Liverpool FC. Now under new ownership with American businessmen George Gillett and Tom Hicks, they have been busy in the transfer market. Manager Rafael Benitez has long complained of not having the finances to make a realistic attempt at regaining Liverpool’s league title.  A title they haven’t held in 17 years.  However this summer Benitez has apparently taken some time out to read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code. He has become obsessed with the idea of hidden codes, and believes there are hidden codes to football formations, tactics and transfer targets within the hidden meanings in artwork.

However, unlike the famous novel, the artwork is not that of Leonard Da Vinci, but in fact that of Rolf Harris. According to Liverpool FC insiders the acquirement of both Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel were ordained when Benitez broke the “transfer code” - deciphering the painting Flower Seller by Rolf Harris.  The recent transfer drama regarding Gabriel Heinze, is also part of the riddle. Hienze wishes to leave Manchester United to join Liverpool. Yet Alec Ferguson is unwilling to let a quality player play for the enemy.  A deal has to be struck however, as it’s obvious Heinze is unwilling to play for Manchester this season. Whether Benitez can crack to the code in time so the Reds get him, is still up in the air.  However this week, when Benitez contacted Heinze's agent to know the nature of a compromise, the agent replies “do you know what it is yet?” – a famous saying by none other than Rolf Harris.  Coincidence?  We don’t think so. We think Liverpool have a chance this season, as long as Benitez & Co. can keep the code sacred the code won't be broken before season’s end and Liverpool will have their title.

Manchester United

Manchester United have employed Umyoyo Mnegmi, a Kenyan witch doctor, to curse their rivals in the premiership, and  European leagues.  Their secret weapon this season is voodoo.  Dolls have been made of all their rivals, both off and on the field of play.  A pin inserted into a doll at a certain time can prove pivotal in games, media presentation and behind the scenes wheeling and dealing.   It appears a subtle voodoo doll of Bayern Munich coach Ottmar Hitzfeld  was in use to help procure the services of Owen Hargreaves. When asked about Man United’s chances in the challenges of the new season, Sir Alec Ferguson stroked a voodoo doll of Jose Mourinho and replied “It’s going to be easy peasy lemon squeezy!”

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