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It began last weekend, actually it began last month when I was offered a substantial pay raise in my CT contract if i took on an editorial role of as it was put to me "my name investigates". This is my first of many contractually obligated investigations, and this investigation did began last weekend.... A crop circle in Hampshire, England, had gotten scientists and conspiracy theorists all a twitter. “A crop circle, are you serious?” I asked our editor when he told me this was my exclusive first "investigative" assignment. I mean, I have been involved in many high profile, ground breaking news reports, the idea of a crop circle just seemed so ‘local news’. However, this story is a little more than local, in fact as it turned out, a little more than global.
The crop circle -- clearly the form of a pig -- was made in the field of local Hampshire farmer Dennis Spenwood. Spenwood is a close relative of a friend of a friend of our CT editor and thus gave The Cheese Times, and yours truly first glimpse upon the site. Obviously after I had taken first pickings, like any self respecting strapped-for-cash-farmer. Spenwood called the news networks immediately and began charging visitors £10 to view said wonder. CT: extra Conspiracy theory chat rooms on the internet claim the whole thing a hoax, showing the similarities between the crop circle and the pig from rock band Pink Floyd's album Animals. They suggest the pig logo was stolen and embellished slightly for what reasons they remain unsure. Others are claiming it to be a clever advert for Danish Bacon. My exclusive visit to the site, was in essence, not so exclusive. I was joined by three other “exclusive” guests. British UFOlogist Timothy Good, Suidae of Alien Origin Foundation originator Dr. Dwane Kikorangi and Dudley Sutton, the actor who played Tinker in Lovejoy (why he was there I have no idea.) In fact, why I was there, I wasn’t too sure about. My discussion with Timothy Good was mainly an analysis of the site and possible debunking of the idea of alien activity and my discussion with Dudley Sutton was mainly about Lovejoy. Although it was my interview with native New Zealander Dr. Kikorangi that I felt an unearthly feeling that I should leave the site, like I was an intruder. Kikorangi, claimed this site might be the breakthrough he’s looking for to prove his theory. The Suidae of Alien Origin Foundation’s Doctrine set out by its founding member Dr Kikorangi has pioneered for many years the belief that the misunderstood and disregarded pig family is of alien origin. Other scientists’ theories of evolution have made the case for the story of mankind being closely entwined with that of the porcine family. Yet, Kikorangi claims the pig is in fact “our master and creator. They were here long before us, and will be here long after we have destroyed ourselves.” His claims of course cannot be substantiated by the fact that a pig like form appeared in a field of corn. However he firmly believes this is a big step forward in his pursuit of ‘the truth’.
I left my meeting with Dr. Dwane Kikorangi feeling a little unsure about everything. His final comment made me question my own theories on life, the universe and everything. As I was leaving he grabbed my hand and whispered “You too are a disciple of the pig, we all are. Why do you think the oldest religions in the world outlaw the consumption of pork products?”
The weekend if nothing else, certainly gave me, and hopefully you, plenty of food for thought. |
