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Shay Given, goalkeeper for Newcastle United and the Republic of Ireland, has become the first player to receive a special FIFA grant to move into and live in his own goal. Shay is so in love with, and protective of, his St. James Park goalmouth that he has decided to leave his swanky millionaire’s mansion on the Darras Hall estate and move in and call it his new permanent home. It began after Given had met with a spiritual trainer. Ajit Paneer, a spiritually guided goalkeeping coach from India has instilled a belief of “defending one’s home”. His mantra is that the goalmouth that you defend, is not just a frame of metal on a professional sports field, it’s your home, your Holy Land and it must be defended at all costs. Paneer told Given to move into his home immediately, and make it his own. Given has been living in his goal ever since. He's customized it with all the comforts of home, including hanging baskets, a cheeky welcome mat, fridge, chairs and a hammock strung from the crossbar where he always sleeps, no matter what the weather!
Newcastle boss Glenn Roeder is pleased with the result. “It has made him an even better keeper as he doesn’t want his stuff being smashed up” he continued “He eats, breathes lives in that goal, literally.”
Not everyone is happy with the arrangement though, a number of Premier League opposition have filed a complaint with the FA and FIFA demanding the objects are removed from the field of play during games, claiming “the stuff just gets in the way, particularly the hanging baskets.” The argument is a strong one, as already there has been confusion over basket hits. Christiano Ronaldo of Manchester United was infuriated when a super strike in a recent 2-2 draw between the sides smashed into one of the hanging baskets with Given beaten, denying him a sure goal. His anger was compounded when a furious Given made him pay the £26 repair bill for the basket.
 Since then the FA has instructed the referees that a basket hit is deemed a goal, however a shot by Charlton player Darren Bent was deflected off the hanging basket with the referee unsure whether it hit the basket or the crossbar and thus the goal did not stand. Again a fuming Given, threatening violence, demanded that the Charlton ace pay the £8 repair costs to his home.
FIFA and the FA have since decided that the hanging baskets must be removed from the goal frame during matches. They have also ordered that Given’s television be turned off during matches, after a complaint by Everton’s Phil Neville was upheld. Neville was rushing in on goal but was distracted by a re-run of Bergerac on the television behind Given. Neville stated in the post match interview that he “would have probably been able to score if it wasn’t for the telly. It was a re-run of Bergerac, and Jim seemed to be in a heated debate with Charlie Hungerford, I watched for just a split second, and the next thing I knew Shay was at my feet and had snatched the ball away”
Shay Given has also had a planning permit to build an annex to defend is goal turned down, not by the local council but by FIFA. An annex was deemed illegal as defined by rule 1138.b “Teams goals can not be defended by any structure that is not made up of the eleven players of the said team. This includes the use of divots and mud to form a “beaver’s dam” to deflect the ball”
Shay, who also has Guinness on tap in his goal pad, has been instructed that no alcohol can be dispensed on match days. However he is still currently allowed to continue living in his new home, recently inviting Scottish singing brothers ‘The Proclaimers’ round for afternoon tea and cakes. This is Michael Warrick for Sportsview, now be on your way! |
