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 A government employed experimental geneticist has broken cover and blown the whistle on an attempted state cover up of the creation of a new ‘super’ species of otter. The New Otter Species (NOS) has been described by terrified scientists as ‘Humanities equal, if not their new master.’
“No.1 Threat To Humanity” Gov Genetics Expert Warns The New Otter Species (NOS) has been described by terrified scientists at ‘The Doctor Harold Shipman Institute of Strange Genetics and Euthanasia’ as, ‘A danger to the human race, and a bigger threat to world peace than a drunken Iranian leader with a nuclear missile." The otters were bred using new fangled DNA refinement screening techniques, which produced an otter that had skipped several evolutionary steps; the result is a terrifyingly intelligent New Otter Species.
Only eight of the buggers have been born, all in captivity at the institute in Hyde, Manchester, but one has been reported as ‘having recently got bored and wandered off.’ Police are tracking the escaped otter by following its trail of wanton car theft, shoplifting, fraudulent credit card usage and a tracking device, implanted in it’s tail. The otter, known as ‘Otter Gigantus Horriblus5’, or Gary as he prefers to be addressed, has already successfully repelled a botched attempt by the British army to capture him. He simply used a highly skilled fusion of Wing Chun Kung Fu, voodoo magic and good old-fashioned street brawling; incorporating slaps to chops, stamping and gouging. He escaped unhurt, but for a sprained eyebrow muscle, and has since ‘vanished,’ having located and discarded its tracking micro-chip along with it’s hooky credit cards.
The NOS can fashion and use sophisticated tools, (mostly Jazz based musical instruments) as well as make a fine cup of tea, whilst playing chess to grandmaster level and beyond. They also have an advanced language, opposable thumbs and a penchant for jazz. In fact it is this love of jazz that the authorities hope will finally reveal the whereabouts of the escapee otter. Our top placed mole told us, “They don’t half make a racket! (NOS) They are just as intelligent as we are, if not more so, but they don’t have much self-awareness. They don’t know how to whisper, or tiptoe for example. All conversation is carried out at the top of their voices. They are extremely loud creatures. They’ll customise any object they encounter into a musical instrument, and play their particular strand of lazy, tortured soul type jazz, anytime, anywhere; it is their ‘Achilles Heel.’”
 In new developments, an alleged fellow employee, at an undisclosed business in the UK, captured the last known sighting of Gary - on camera, doing his newly acquired desk job. Rumours persist that Gary had obtained a top desk job in Colchester, as a customer service clerk for Masterfoods. The whispers imply that he subsequently lost that job after fisticuffs in an altercation at the seafood buffet at an office party. The latest intelligence suggests that Gary may now be working cash in hand, as a barman in Hull. The Fuzz, aka The Police, warned that “No one should attempt to approach this particular genetically designed, wanted felon; and for Christ’s sake don’t get the bugger drunk or get it high on drugs! There is a reward of a £5 record-token for any person capturing Gary and subduing him until the law arrives. We believe that with such a big prize on offer people will be scrambling all over each other to help us solve this crime.” |
