Modern life is full of time consuming activities that make keeping fit a logistical nightmare. Time depleting activities such as going to work, chatting with the spouse, feeding raisins to the baboons, nude cage wrestling and attempts at world domination often gets in the way of your feeding your need to exercise. You do not however need to set aside time specifically for keeping fit. You can exercise any time of day to fit in with, and not just around, your daily routine. Even if you’re a computer operator, or any of the other zero calorie burning professions, we have the cheese based exercise ‘tool’ for you! In league with futuristic robot monkeys from the Tenth Dimension, supplied by Honda, The Cheese Times has created seven fool proof exercise techniques to get you fit. All through the glory of cheese based exercise.   

Cheese Chase

Cheese Rolling is a fantastic way to get fit. Just find a steep grassed hillside and throw one of your favourite cheeses down the slope. Chase after it. You’ll loose plenty of calories. If you can’t find a hill, an alleyway will suffice.  For best results use a round cheese. In some parts of the UK cheese rolling is illegal, so be careful choosing your alleyway or hill for this one, as trigger happy armed police will shoot you dead on sight in the wrong areas.  Seven Cheese chasers were gunned down in London last year alone, including Brazilian electrician Jean Charles De Menezes, as he famously attempted cheese rolling on a tube train ‘alleyway.’  

Despite this mishap Cheese Rolling is still very famous through the annual Glous, (UK) Cheese Rolling Event. (www.cheese-rolling.co.uk for further details)  
 

Cheese Sprint Relay

Grab a good hard cheese such as Mature Cheddar or Edam and place it on the floor. Draw a line at his point and measure 20 metres forwards and draw another line. Now pick up the cheese and sprint as fast as you can and drop it at the other line. Then repeat backwards. Repeat as necessary until an overwhelming desire to stop running around and just eat the bloody cheese overcomes you. To make it even more fun place your cheese at the ‘start’ of the run, with a slice of buttered bread. Place another slice of buttered bread at the ‘finish’ line with some pickle on the side. Start by laying slices of the cheese on the buttered bread before sprinting with it to the ‘finish’ line. Once there add the pickle, Branston is best for this, and the final slice of bread, sprint back to the start and devour. Repeat as many times as you can. This is also known as the Cheese Sandwich Shuttle Run.

Cheese Discus/Shot Put

First use Primula cheese spread in a tube to mark out the various distances from 0-18Metres from a starting point we call the cheese oche.

Then you need Edam, either a whole one as a put, or chunky midsection slice as a discus. Simply see how far you can chuck the bugger. Just 20mins of throwing and collecting your cheese will burn off enough calories for you to munch down a wedge of your Shot/Discus, with water biscuits – Guilt Free! Repeat this throwing process as many times as possible until the cheese falls apart. Then pick up the debris and invite friends round for a Cheese and Wine party. That taste of cheese will be doubly satisfying knowing it’s made you twice as fit as last Sunday. This was one of the most noble of Cheese Sports of Ancient Greece, home/birthplace of The Cheese Olympics – Constantly beaten rival of the actual Olympics since back in the day. The next Cheese Olympics, to be held in Baisinstoke, England in 2008, will be live an exclusive on low budget cable sports channel ‘Sportsview.’  

Cheese Carrying Long Distance Walk

Combine weightlifting with cardio-vascular, aerobic exercise by humping around 20lbs of Cheddar whilst walking a very long distance - as well the name of this exercise may well have already informed you. Why not walk to an out of town supermarket next time you go out to pick up your weekly block of 20lbs of cheddar.  Or walk to meet friends for a glass of wine wearing an edible cheese rucksack.  They’ll surely thank you for that!  Wherever you walk, carry the cheese, it’ll double your exercise returns, and you’ll never be too far away from your beloved cheese should you feel peckish.

Cheese Squat Power Jump  

Hold a ball of soft cheese such as Mozzarella at the back of your knee. Squat down and then jump up in the air. Make sure you keep the cheese in place. Drop back down keeping the cheese in place.  

Repeat full exercise as necessary, until cheese falls apart or you simply eat the bugger.
 

Cheese Yoga: The Squat

Hold two blocks of cheese (preferably Tibet. A Tibetan cheese named after the Province)  in each hand, and follow the diagram. Repeat the exercise ten times. This exercise is performed best whilst listening to Sting.  
 

Cheese Lifting

Go to your local cheese factory or wholesale store and find the largest bit of cheese you can. We like we use a Giant Swiss Emmental. Lift it up and down above your head. Or fashion the cheese using, 2 18inch iron rods, into cheese dumbbells.  You’ll achieve great biceps and triceps.  Cheese can make a fine medicine ball or other item of gym equipment, and you can eat the cheese afterwards!
 
 

Cheese Somersault Extreme

Caution: This is an advanced exercise

Hold a heavy piece of Gouda in your hands and make a backward summersault as illustrated below. Repeat 10 times, twice daily. And you’ll have the ladies begging to suck your dick.  Or if you're a lady performing this exercise, I'm sure the corresponding oral pleasure will occur.  If not see manufacturers handbook.

---