Dear Cheese Times,
I have a problem that is a little embarrassing and thusly, I don't really want to go to the doctor about it. I'm hoping you might be able to help me out. I'm an avid reader of the cheese times and was excited to see you had a new problem page. My problem is - since coming back from a weekend hunting The Pink Floyd over cornfields in the Lake District I have noticed I seem to be sweating excessively at all times. I've tried numerous different antiperspirants and deodorants but none of them halt my excessive sweating and body odour. Last week my boss at work commented that my odour had been mentioned by fellow co-workers as being objectionable. He then sat me down and asked if I had financial problems, if I'd stopped bathing, wiping my arse, or using deodorant. I broke down in tears and told him everything, including the time I stole a pack of chewing gum from a Shell mini-mart in Shropshire. I emptied my soul, and he just laughed at me. Please help me!

Sir Douglas Replies

You poor stinky bugger! I’d love to fire my musket at your bally swine boss! If I were 60years younger I’d have him for you, no weapons, just Queensbury rules! The man has no class, no compassion! Have you tried Brut or Old Spice? Or some Hi-Karate? They did wonders for my own body odour conundrum in the 60s. This could also be a curse. Hunting The Pink Floyd over cornfields has proved in the past to anger the Gods. 20 men have died of this curse. The Floyd are the greatest band in the history of music, you shouldn’t have gone there in the first place! That said, this is easily cured by the magic medicine that is tobacco.

Start off with smoking 3 bowls a day of Kendal Mixed Peach pipe tobacco in a Hans Christian Anderson Stanwell Pipe No.2, one after breakfast, lunch and dinner. If this fails to cure or mask your body odour simply switch to Mixed Cherry and Vanilla menthol Peterson’s pipe tobacco in a MY PAL REAL BRIAR, 5 pipes a day. Blow the pipe smoke down on to your clothing whilst exhaling and folk might call you a tobacco stinker, but never a BO bastard again! The Mixed Cherry, Vanilla and Menthol room and pipe notes will charm, where once your body odour repelled and disgusted! Continuous usage of menthol pipe tobacco will result in your body producing a menthol flavoured body odour. I’ve had it countless times and it’s beautiful. You can’t go wrong!

Also supplement your pipe smoking with some pipe cologne available from Demeter Fragances.  Try their superb pipe tobacco cologne or whisky and pipe tobacco cologne . They also have a selection of shower gels and other such lotions and concoctions you might want to try.

Obviously since you've already got the attention of your communist boss you might want to avoid the fragrance of whisky. We don't need you writing back in a fortnight with a problem that your boss and co-workers think you're an alcoholic.  That is, of course, unless you become an alcoholic. If so, I'd recommend checking out our links page.  Terry Anderson recommends a number of great Alcoholics Anonymous organizations.

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