Sleeping on a bed made completely from the finest cheddar will cure any back trouble you might be suffering. However this is an expensive route to take. The beds are patented and only available through Cheesedreams Inc. Each bed costs £1400 and they have to be replaced twice annually as it will, and does ‘go off.’ A more cost effective remedy is to rub garlic and herb cream cheese (such as Boursin or Roule) onto the small of the back and other areas where your back aches. Leave the cheese smeared on your back for an hour each evening. If this does not relieve symptoms then you can try a ‘Cheddar Pillow,’or a ‘Cheddar Cushion,’ both patented, and only available through Cheesedreams Inc - RRP £180 and £120. For severe chronic backache, Cheesedreams Inc can inject cheddar into your spinal fluids, at a cost of £3000, which they claim is a complete cure, but our boffins rubbish it as simply bad science. 

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