UK Home Secretary John Reid has thrown out and banned all health and safety laws from English jails in a desperate attempt to solve the growing prison overcrowding crisis.  Prisons in the UK are full to bursting and Mr Reid is desperate to free up space.

Canceling risk assessments, the use of fire alarms and detectors etc, should make prison an even more dangerous place to be for inmates, and it is hoped that the death rates inside will skyrocket up thus freeing up space.  "A dead prisoner has no need for a cell, and a dead criminal is no worry to the police" Reid was quoted as saying at a recent finger buffet party whilst somewhat the worse for a bottle of scotch he had polished off in despair. The plan is part of a raft of measures the Home Secretary has tried to add to the statute book to lessen the crisis.  A bill was passed last week that would see every prisoner given three daily rations of bananas. This was passed on the same day parliament also passed a bill that would remove all waste bins from prisons for “security reasons.” This influx of bananas coinciding with a lack of proper waste disposal has led to an abundance of precariously dropped banana skins. Within the first week of the new measures 148 prisoners are slipped on banana skins and either died or needed serious medical attention.

Creepy Conservative shadow Home Secretary David Davies said "These are desperate measures by a desperate man.  I question the man's mental health.  These are astonishing proposals." Next week, a new bill is due to go before parliament that would make it easier for prisoners to escape from the slammer by tunneling. The bill proposes to give every prisoner a Andy Dufresne hammer in book kit. Andy Dufresne was the character in the oscar nominated film The Shawshank Redemption that escaped from prison via a tunnel created by a small rock hammer kept in a bible. The government has not specified which book would be used for the hammer kit, although sources close to the Home secretary imply it might be Nigel Havers new autobiography Playing with fire.

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