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 Prime Minister Tony Blair yesterday proudly opened a new prison designed specifically to house the growing number of criminal priests in the UK jail system. The premier heralded it as “A fucking great, holy rehabilitation centre.” Adding “These are still men of the cloth, and given the right environment I truly believe these ‘dog collars’ will come good again. The growing menace of priest related crime, across all denominations of faith, is a sad reflection on the wider problems society faces this new millennium.”
 Demand for the prison arose after more than 1400 priests, vicars, and bishops were sent down in 2001 for crimes ranging from serial murder, choir boy interference and impersonating police officers to stealing ham, cattle rustling and joyriding. A further 3400 have been given bird since 2001. Church leaders are still at a loss to explain how so many priests have ended up on the wrong side of the law. The prison, designed to look and feel like ‘an oppressive church,’ was the brainchild of former Home Secretary David “The Bat” Blunkett after many priests were lead astray on regular prison wings.
PRIESTS AND THEIR CRIMES: CASE STUDY  1. Rev Green of the Applewood Smoked parish was sentenced to 8 years in 2001 for exaggerating the size of his flock, fortune telling, selling hooky videos, and for impersonating a bishop. He told the CheeseTimes “It’s just not fun being a priest anymore, the pays crap, the bishops beat you up all the time and the fame has all but gone from the job. I thought I’d get away with knocking out a few hooky videos but the police were onto me from the start, they stitched me up like a kipper!”
2. Rev Col Mustard of the Red Leicester parish was sentenced to 5 and a half years for drinking his church’s entire ‘blood of Christ’ supply, then eating the entire ‘body of Christ’ supply in a fit of the munchies. He then went on to steal communion wine and wafers with a street value of £80 from seven other parishes. He was eventually caught by the fuzz after a 22 day, 20000-mile long car chase, the lengthiest in law enforcement history. The guy with a hotline to God told us “I just want to say sorry to my flock. I ‘m going to keep my head down, do my stretch and get back to the parish.”  3. Rev Peacock of the Cheshire parish was sentenced to life for buggering a heron. He told us “Everyday I pray for forgiveness, I just want to be back in the pulpit again, breaking bread at the altar or doing a sermon or something, but they won’t let you see the light of day again once you’ve buggered a heron, folk have long memories.”
CT Analysis: Why Priests Commit their crimes  The results from our certified CT Analysis show very different responses for reasons given to why priests might turn to such actions, from those reasons given by priests already convicted of such crimes. Of questionnaired Priests on why they might turn to crime, Disillusionment of God was the highest response yet was closely followed by the need to raise money to pay for repairs such as leaky roofs and to pay for marketing to increase congregations. Boredom was also quite high on the list. Further analysis helped us deduce that Boredom is really becoming a major influence in a Priest’s lifestyle. Many commented that “really wasn’t much to do between Sundays”, “there’s only so much chess and crosswords a man can play”.  The results from Priests questioned after being convicted of petty crime was a little different. Many of the answers revolved around their faith, most almost half in fact, used the Bible to justify their actions, claiming that although they found passages denouncing their intended crimes, they found more passages supporting it. In fact their faith played a bigger part in the answers given by convicted Priests, many others felt that God would protect them from conviction. Another enlightening response, was that 24 per cent felt it just payback for budget cuts from the Government, and a lowering of the Chruch’s power. There may be a religious revolution in our midst, and if so, The Cheese Times will be there on the front lines. This is Brian McCheddar.
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