The gang currently terrorising cheese merchants all over the south of Britain have struck again.

The Swanage Cheese Works in Dorset reported a particularly vicious theft of high quality Stilton. The gang known as the "Cheese Bandits" use cheese waving tactics to strike fear into anyone who dares confront them.

In this case a large slice of Walnut Brie was waved in the face of security guard Trevor Cheddar, Mr Cheddar a Falklands War hero was so terrified that he locked himself in the Cheese Works storage room, where in a state of shock he proceeded to remove and then consume his own spleen. Trevor is still locked in the storage room where trained police negotiators are trying to prevent him eating his own foot.

Dressed in red and blue boiler suits the Cheese Bandits struck at the Swanage Cheese Works shortly before midnight on Friday night. Using military style tactics they scaled a three foot perimeter fence before entering the Cheese Works through an unlocked door. It is not known exactly how much Stilton has been taken, but estimates begin at £500 worth. Detective Inspector Donald DoubleGlouster, formally of Scotland Yard, said "These are dangerous people, this is now their seventh cheese related crime and as yet no one has come close to even uncovering their identities." A nation-wide appeal by DI DoubleGlouster will be made on the BBC's hit chat show "Knight-Talk" tonight in order to try and gather information on the identities of the Cheese Bandits.

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