Last week Mr. Johnathan Stealwit saw his life destroyed by a large piece of fig and walnut gorgonzola. He had been walking home from the office on Tuesday evening, at 10:20pm last Wednesday when disaster struck in the form of falling cheese. Stealwit, 32, oblivious to the impending doom, didn't realise anything was wrong until he'd been hit on the head by the three tonne piece of cheese. DI Double Gloucester, the officer in charge of the investigation into the incident said to a packed and slightly delirious press conference, "The Doctors say it's unbelievable that he survived, the cheese, a three tonne piece of Gorgonzola, was being imported into the country from Italy." He continued to say "The Police forensic group say that the impact of the three tonne cheese would have been the equivalent of 75 tonnes. This obviously means he is so very lucky to still be alive."

The Cheese, a matured Gorgonzola, was being imported into the country by CheeseTec Inc.and was destined for ex-TV funnyman Russ Abbot's Berkshire mansion. Abbot, had become obsessed by the cheese when last on holiday in Lake Como, Italy. Mr Stealwit is now recovering from concussion and paralysis from the eyebrows down.

We were able to talk to him though, through a unique sign language he's developed using his eyebrows ... he told us "Cheese has destroyed my life, I want the goblins to come and comb the moon from the sky and eat the celery sticks I have developed for legs, Clive, thank you!"

We are thinking the concussion is still having an effect on the poor chap, if not, then his eyebrow communication is not quite up to scratch. Mrs Stealwit, said of her husband, "He's so happy he's still alive and he can still watch his beloved 'Ever Decreasing Circles' videos starring Peter Egan. "

Mr Stealwit, is a massive Egan fan, and owns all his films and plays on video. He is overwhelmed that even though he can no longer talk or eat, he can still watch Peter Egan in action. The Cheese Times also talked to Mr Stealwit's angry son Fiona, who remarked, "I won't be watching anymore re-runs of the Russ Abbot show." Russ Abbot apologised about his involvement in the disaster, and expressed his humble apologies for the unfortunate event.

The cheese, a delightful fruity walnut and fig gorgonzola,was impounded as evidence, although it has recently gone missing. DI Double Gloucester claims that an error of judgement had been made after the cheese was reportedly served in sandwiches at the Police's Annual Officers ball. The cargo plane eventually landed at Russ Abbot's private runway in Berkshire. The pilot was greeted by a group of reporters and told of the disaster. He apologised impeccably and then disintegrated into cruel laughter.

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