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Brian Derby shatters world record as he storms to title in Oslo. Astonishing Brian Derby stamped his name on the world of cheese lifting in what must rank as the most spectacular sporting achievement of all time. The Cheese Lifting Championships were held last week in Oslo, Norway, and with a captivated British audience of 65 million people back home in witness tuned to the BBC, cheese maker Brian "No mates" Derby won gold and set a monster new world record of over nine days solid cheese lifting!
 He broke the world record of continuously holding heavy cheese above one’s head with absolutely no breaks, by an unbelievable four days. It left the International event’s organizers in a quandary, really in quite a pickle, as they had to hastily, and at some cheese cost, reschedule an extra day to the original ten-day tournament. The title, previously held by Frenchman Jean-Jaque-Jean-Mecradi Camembert, was taken in comprehensive fashion by unstoppable cheese lifting machine Mr Derby, who watched snuff movies and hard core gay pornography to motivate him during his nine day exertion. The defending champion, Camembert, was inconsolably tearful after dropping his cheese whilst uncontrollably and violently farting himself unconscious. He finished second, a good day and two hours behind the new king. Camembert later said "Zut Alors! Med! My cheese, it became as heavy as all the unhappiness in this world. It forced out all my gas, I've never held a cheese for so long, I don't know how Monsieur Derby did it but I suspect foul play, he is English, the English never play fair, the rost beufs! ROST BEURF, ROST BEURF! I shit out of my sun bearing French arsehole from up mighty high on to you counards!!!"
Smirking new Cheese King, Brian Derby, would have be attempting to beat his own incredible record next week for charity (The Spastic Beaver Association), when he would have tried to hold the heavy cheese aloft once more, this time for over 10 days in an event sponsored by Kraft. Derby was clearly close to death and yet ecstatic after receiving his winners medal and trophy. He said at the time, "This is a dream come true. I have been holding heavy and medium weight cheeses up high since birth, but I never dreamt I could even qualify for a tournament of this standing, never mind win the bugger! The way I did it too, Wow! Was I a class act or was I a class act? I saw that French fucker off with pure panache!. I am the new King, no new God, New King and God of Cheese Lifting, all hail me! Come on then... Fucking hail me!" Commentators and organizers alike scornfully noted Mr Derby's conceited acceptance speech and cut his cash prize winnings by half, leaving the unpopular Lancashire resident with just twelve measly pounds for his troubles. However he did go home with the coveted championship trophy, and a years supply of Jarlsberg, a native cheese of Norway, as well as the praise of the nation. Sadly Mr Derby is dead at time of going to press. Bad Mutha Fucker, Brian Derby, on the ninth and final day of his tremendous but fatal winning cheese hold. He died of exhaustion 20 minutes later. IN TRIBUTE TO BRIAN DERBY 1942-2003 Amen. |
