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 THE SECRET OF THE ‘BUSBY GOD!
We were told that it went something like this...  A rogue shot from a football boot fired by an angered, red faced, and no doubt chewing Sir Alex Ferguson ricochets off a dressing room wall and into the face of the male-model star player David Beckham, almost blinding him, his wife Posh and their two kids for life!
The press lapped it up and we all had a laugh, but now The Cheese Times can exclusively reveal the sinister background to this incident. We expose the world of Manchester United’s pagan rituals. We delve into the warped medieval practices of the superstitious God fearing set up at Old Trafford, who believe that on the field results are governed by a God called Busbyus. The ‘supreme being Busbyus’ according to a secret Man U source is ‘a spiritually powerful incarnation of their managing legend Sir Matt Busby who passed away on 20th January, 1994 and demands weekly blood offerings.’ David Beckham’s injury was not caused by a flying football boot, but inflicted by Sir Alex Ferguson as he dined on his star man’s blood, vampire style!  Our secret source at the club, not Wes Brown - Honestly!- told us he was frightened that he might be sacrificed and so wanted to spill the beans in exchange for some security. After haggling we agreed to kit him out with AK47 weaponry and fierce looking dog. In order to understand Ferguson’s brutal actions, this is how the belief system at Old Trafford works. The image of their great hero manager Sir Matt Busby is very often that of a kindly grandfather figure who preferred his assistant, Jimmy Murphy to do the disciplining. In truth Busby used this image in public but in private he could be as ruthless as anyone. He once got George Best in a headlock and force fed him 5lbs of moldy cheddar in a sickening half hour ordeal for Besty, in busby’s fury at George’s ‘show off’ display that game. It would be naive to think someone could win as much in the cut-throat world of football without such traits. His death was a sad day for all at the club, but then Busby appeared the next night in ghost form to an astounded Gary Neville telling him he had become a God like supreme being and was “Now in-charge of everything.” The Busby God, or Busbyus as he is refered to in Man U circles, communicates only to Gary Neville, and only if he stands alone as he did when he first encountered the Busby God, naked, cock in hand, in the Old Trafford centre circle at 12midnite. The last demand in exchange for a prosperous footballing month from Busbyus had been "Your leader must feast on the blood of a living Man United legend for any chance of winning the premiership".
 An unsure and troubled Furguson was told the news by a timid looking Gary Neville the day before the 2-0 FA cup defeat by Arsenal. Beginning to question the sanity of his defensive utility player in his declared visions of Busbyus, Ferguson had abandoned the usual rituals in favour of some good old-fashioned training and tactics. However after the cup defeat a pensive, desperate and ever more paranoid Ferguson vowed to carry out the Busbyus’ wishes, declaring, "I'll give anything a go as long as it lands me a title." Which was play on words, meaning the Premiership or Champions league, as well as referring to his royal title.
Without warning, the dour, ruddy-cheeked Scot launched an astonishingly vicious assault on poor Beckham, piecing his star player’s left eyebrow with his incisor teeth and drinking an almost unbelievable six pints of the England captain’s blood! Afterwards a delirious and blood drenched Ferguson committed every player in the dressing room to absolute secrecy under threat of death. A shocked and shaken Beckham couldn’t believe what had just happened and passed out due to the loss of blood. Even staunch hard man Roy Keane was extremely distressed by the dressing room developments, and was seen openly weeping and comfort eating prawn sandwiches later that night. Keane had fought off a raving Ferguson who had tried to attack Beckham a second time in search of yet more blood. Keane personally donated some of his own blood in an emergency blood transfusion held amidst great secrecy in an Old Trafford medical room as Beckham’s life hung in the balance.  The next day Beckham wore his hair up in an alice-band showing the world his injury and forcing his manager to come up with a crafty and cunning excuse to explain it away. It is believed that past Manchester United stars Lee Sharpe, Keith Gillespie, Paul Parker, Japp Stam and a host of other players all left the club after they refused to be used in blood letting rituals. Another Ex United player Robbie Savage literally ran for his life out of Old Trafford after Ryan Giggs and Phil Neville tried to cut out and eat his liver with some dill pickle as ordered by the Busbyus, a six inch scar shows how close he came to death.
 It is believed that Beckham is seriously thinking of leaving Manchester United after this latest incident, telling friends, “It’s getting out of hand.” Our source, who really is not Wes Brown okay, where did you get that name from? Okay it’s him. He told us “Every time we loose a game everyone gets scared thinking, ‘what have we done to upset Busbyus?’ We never train anymore, it’s just religious ceremonies and sacrifices and blood letting. I had to sacrifice a pig by biting it to death in the away dressing room as punishment from the Busbyus for slacking off in training, you can’t get away with anything, the Busbyus is all seeing and knowing. I’m seriously frightened this is going to escalate into human sacrifices, and that my own life is in danger. F**k knows what the FA would make of the real set up at Old Trafford.” We asked manager Alex Ferguson for a statement but he refused to comment on our revelations, however he was happy to pose exclusively for the Cheese Times showing off his medal collection and telling us his favourite cheese is Caerphilly.
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