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 The Nation's favourite Spurs Player, towering defensive superstar Sol 'The big man' Campbell had a narrow escape from a pitch invasion of the Primative kind, when a disgruntled ape vented his fury at the star.
Over the years, the pitch invasion, especially agressively motivated ones, have brought calls from the media of "They are animals, no better than f**king baboons on heat." However this time, the guilty soul that attacked Sol Campbell, was indeed a primate... called Alan. The sureal event happened mid way through the second half of this months clash between Middlesborough and Tottenham Hotspurs. The primate, Alan, a sales and marketing analyst from Hove, near Brighton was seen by security cameras creating a fuss and bearing his teeth at fellow supporters. He then ran amock, threatening people with a stick with a plum on the end of it. TV camera footage showed that the monkey then hurdled some advertising boards on to the pitch, and made for Campbell, who it is believed the mad ape held responsible for Spurs poor performances of late. George Graham, the Arsenal loving Spurs boss could be clearly heard shouting "Oi, Get out of the way Sol, there's an ape coming at you with a f*cking weapon!" Our exclusive picture shows the moment of madness. As the 4ft tall ape went bounding at Campbell, the England defender, and former boyfriend of some 'used to be famous' popstars froze with terror simply screaming 'What the f*ck!??' If it wasn't for a typically reckless lunging tackle by Paul Gascoinge on the ape then who knows what the monkey would have done. Gascoigne however did injure his knee again, and will be out for another month at least. Bryan Robson, Middlesbrough Supremo, and star of the BBC's detective series Robson PI, said after the match, "Gazza was brilliant today today, his sight was second to none, his passing sublime, and he saved the day with his head high tackle on the ape. If it had been against a fellow player then he'd have been sent off, but as it is he's a hero. Gazza later appeared wearing a pair of novelty plastic tits to assure well wishers that he's fine despite his latest crushing injury blow. Police are now investigating the monkey over claims that it has been driving a car, earning a living, and threatening many other people with it's crudely made plum stick weaponry. This is Michael Warrick for The Cheese Times, now be on your way. |
